It seems that I have been deluding my self in believing that I am all ok... According to 2 different Doctors I am depressed... AGAIN!
This makes sense now that I try and look at the situation objectively. I am currently constantly at risk of breaking down into tears, if the wrong subject is broached. Its not as if I want to. But it just is. There fore, the depression diagnosis. But its ok, Im sure that with all the support I have around me at the moment that I can get through this rough patch. It just seems at the moment that a lot of little things can get on my nerves.
Sometimes I nothing more than too shout out to the world "HERE I AM!! Notice me! Acknowledge me! please..." Its not as if I am someone outstanding, but doesn't everyone want to be seen every now and then.
I mean, I have quirks, and idiosyncrasies. Like the fact that I only paint the nails on left hand, because when I do my right... it looks like shit. But really Im average.
I hate being average. I would much rather be at an extreme then be average. Well maybe not an extreme but perhaps just a little more than what I can currently claim to be.
And again this comes back to the whole... NOTICE ME thing. I guess this is part of my reason for doing this blog. Also because I have been told on many occaisions by many professionals that writing can help depression. I think that this form, achieves not only my need to write and get all the crap out of my system, but may also feed my need to be noticed and acknowledged.... just maybe....
But I have decided that feedback might be nice.
So if you will.... Email me your thoughts my dedicated (or not so) readers. The address is superstar_444@hotmail.com
For now I will go back to watching "United States of Tara" and trawling Facebook...
love and light
Kait
Monday, May 28, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Life got in my way
I'm back!
I know I said that i would write sooner but life got in my way again. You know how it gets sometimes. But as you may have realized by now, my luck ain't the best. Now I know that everyone has bad stints in their life, and right now mine really isn't all that bad. I'm not desperately unhappy. I have met the love of my life. And I am generally in a good place. And you have guessed it. There is a big fat "but" coming, and no it isn't mine :P
So suspense over, I was in hospital again... Gah! I know! story of my life at the moment! This time it was sort of self inflicted. I should probably tell you the whole story.
I used to play basketball every weekend, and I stopped because our team fell apart and I got into that teenage place where it wasn't the "cool" thing to do anymore. But a few weeks ago I had the bright idea that I should start playing again. MOL (mother in law) and I looked into it and found out that some of the other ladies in her office played on a weekly basis. So I got the forms and decided that, yep! This was for me! So last Wednesday, I had my first game! We played well, but the other team played hard, and lacking a second referee, we lost. Lets just say, if we had a second ref, the entire other team would have been benched. But that's not the point I am trying to get too. I also played hard, I was always taught, "Play hard, or go home" so I went for it. But... I'm asthmatic... so Oops... By the time I got home and had a shower, I was literally wheezing. Hoping it would subside, I let it go for 30 mins, but when MOL came to check on me, I was stuck in bed and every time I moved I broke into a coughing fit. We made the decision then to take me up to the hospital. They put me on Ventolin through a nebuliser (aerated) and sent me home. By 2am I had my fiancee take me back up because I was wheezing again. They said my chest was clear and that it would probably settle after more Ventolin. So they gave me more and sent me home again.
I think I got home and passed out. I was exhausted. But the next day I just was not right, and I knew that something more was wrong when I couldn't even walk around the shops without loosing my breathe. So off the doctors I went. He was also unimpressed and sent me back to hospital to be admitted. I was there for two days, and too tell the truth, I don't believe that I am any better. I'm not wheezing, and my chest is clear. But I still can bearly get around the house without loosing my breath.... but my doctor was in the city so I will have to wait until Monday to talk to him about it.
But I will live to another day!
Love and Light... Kait
I know I said that i would write sooner but life got in my way again. You know how it gets sometimes. But as you may have realized by now, my luck ain't the best. Now I know that everyone has bad stints in their life, and right now mine really isn't all that bad. I'm not desperately unhappy. I have met the love of my life. And I am generally in a good place. And you have guessed it. There is a big fat "but" coming, and no it isn't mine :P
So suspense over, I was in hospital again... Gah! I know! story of my life at the moment! This time it was sort of self inflicted. I should probably tell you the whole story.
I used to play basketball every weekend, and I stopped because our team fell apart and I got into that teenage place where it wasn't the "cool" thing to do anymore. But a few weeks ago I had the bright idea that I should start playing again. MOL (mother in law) and I looked into it and found out that some of the other ladies in her office played on a weekly basis. So I got the forms and decided that, yep! This was for me! So last Wednesday, I had my first game! We played well, but the other team played hard, and lacking a second referee, we lost. Lets just say, if we had a second ref, the entire other team would have been benched. But that's not the point I am trying to get too. I also played hard, I was always taught, "Play hard, or go home" so I went for it. But... I'm asthmatic... so Oops... By the time I got home and had a shower, I was literally wheezing. Hoping it would subside, I let it go for 30 mins, but when MOL came to check on me, I was stuck in bed and every time I moved I broke into a coughing fit. We made the decision then to take me up to the hospital. They put me on Ventolin through a nebuliser (aerated) and sent me home. By 2am I had my fiancee take me back up because I was wheezing again. They said my chest was clear and that it would probably settle after more Ventolin. So they gave me more and sent me home again.
I think I got home and passed out. I was exhausted. But the next day I just was not right, and I knew that something more was wrong when I couldn't even walk around the shops without loosing my breathe. So off the doctors I went. He was also unimpressed and sent me back to hospital to be admitted. I was there for two days, and too tell the truth, I don't believe that I am any better. I'm not wheezing, and my chest is clear. But I still can bearly get around the house without loosing my breath.... but my doctor was in the city so I will have to wait until Monday to talk to him about it.
But I will live to another day!
Love and Light... Kait
Monday, May 7, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
It seems to me that I have struck it kind of lucky with the friends that I have. Believe me, it has taken some time for me to get here and find people who like me for me. But I believe that I have come to that point where I could call on just about anyone of my friends and they would come. It really came to my attention just today when I spoke to a friend I hadn't really talked to in about 3-5 months. It was her 21st birthday yesterday and her party last night, but seeing as I now live in another state, I missed it. But she got on the internet and just started to talk to me. She had no idea what has been going on with me this last week, but she asked how I was and listened. It just really remided me that, even though I missed her birthday, and last time I tried to catch up with her, she was too busy. We are still there for each other. And if I picked up the phone right now, she would sit and talk to me for as long as it would take.
We all think too much and loose sight of what is really important. To me friendships and relationships are important, you have to look after them. But you have to look after them for them to survive. But most importantly you have to look after you. Because with youth you, there is nothing else. There is nothing wrong with being selfish every now then. Nothing wrong with saying YAY ME!
Do it, say YAY ME! IM GREAT! I AM WORTH ANYONE'S TIME!! WOOO! It feels great doesn't it. I figure that if you do it everyday, you will eventually be so ok with your self everything will fall into place.
Just, Be your self.
ok?
Bird-Uncaged out.
We all think too much and loose sight of what is really important. To me friendships and relationships are important, you have to look after them. But you have to look after them for them to survive. But most importantly you have to look after you. Because with youth you, there is nothing else. There is nothing wrong with being selfish every now then. Nothing wrong with saying YAY ME!
Do it, say YAY ME! IM GREAT! I AM WORTH ANYONE'S TIME!! WOOO! It feels great doesn't it. I figure that if you do it everyday, you will eventually be so ok with your self everything will fall into place.
Just, Be your self.
ok?
Bird-Uncaged out.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Busy Days, and Lazy nights!
If this is life, bring it on because I have not feel this good in... well ever since I can remember. It still hurts from the news I recieved earlier in the week but, you know what, it really isn't the end of the world. I would love to have the chance to get pregnant, but there are other ways of making our family grow if it come to that. I am open to adoption, as is my fiance, so I think we will get through it. No, I know that we will get through it.
On a completely different note, I had a proud daughter moment today. I called my mum to see how she was going on her holiday with family up north. She and Dad went up there because my uncle had organised for them to go yachting for a week or so. But when I called her this afternoon she told me that my cousin had organised for them all to go to Sea world and stay in the resort over night! I was so excited for her! Then she told me she had also gone a two rides!! I was stunned!! this is the woman who gets sick on a merry go round!! but apparently she took some of her seasickness medication and gave it a go!! I have to give some credit to my cousin for convincing her to do it, But she did! HER FIRST RIDES EVER!! YAY MUM!!!!
I have been quite busy lately and today I went into my new job for induction! It was very exciting! I am so much better if I keep myself busy, I am able to keep my mind away from things that might bring me down and I can focus on the positives in life!! And there are so many at the moment!
All I need to do is to look at how far I have actually come! I had been given news, like that I recieved this week, a year ago; I would have been suicidal. End of story. And this week, I have been able to pick myself up and get on with life. Sometimes its OK to pat your self on your back, and I allowing myself that!
YAY ME!!
On a completely different note, I had a proud daughter moment today. I called my mum to see how she was going on her holiday with family up north. She and Dad went up there because my uncle had organised for them to go yachting for a week or so. But when I called her this afternoon she told me that my cousin had organised for them all to go to Sea world and stay in the resort over night! I was so excited for her! Then she told me she had also gone a two rides!! I was stunned!! this is the woman who gets sick on a merry go round!! but apparently she took some of her seasickness medication and gave it a go!! I have to give some credit to my cousin for convincing her to do it, But she did! HER FIRST RIDES EVER!! YAY MUM!!!!
I have been quite busy lately and today I went into my new job for induction! It was very exciting! I am so much better if I keep myself busy, I am able to keep my mind away from things that might bring me down and I can focus on the positives in life!! And there are so many at the moment!
All I need to do is to look at how far I have actually come! I had been given news, like that I recieved this week, a year ago; I would have been suicidal. End of story. And this week, I have been able to pick myself up and get on with life. Sometimes its OK to pat your self on your back, and I allowing myself that!
YAY ME!!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Horrible news
I received some devastating news on Monday, and I thought my world was about to come crashing down. All I have ever known that I have really wanted, was to be a mother. It was the only thing I have ever been adamant about. Now I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome when I had just turned 18, and at the time I was told that I may struggle to get pregnant. At the time I wasn't a relationship or the mental state to become a mother, so I dismissed it and carried on with life. It wasn't really hurting me, I knew i needed to loose weight to keep my body ticking over but it wasn't really a huge issue.
But now that I have become engaged, ( YAY!!!) to a man I adore, and we do want to look at having children in the future, I thought I would revisit the situation.
So off I trundle, Man in toe, down to the doctors to talk about it further and get some more information. To my astonishment doc says, "You have a limited amount of time to get pregnant, if at all. But we need to check that you are producing eggs"
Well what can I say, I was lost for words. After a few moments gathering my wits, I asked what steps we needed to take to check this all out and see what was going on. So Doc sent me off for blood tests to make sure that my hormone levels were OK for conception.
That was last Friday. Monday rolls around and I am at a training session and I receive a phone call, its my Man, he says, "Doc called, you NEED to call them back" first though in my head? SHIT!!!!!
But I wait till lunch break, and call them back. The news?
"Miss, your NOT producing any eggs. Doc needs to see you" Once again gob smacked. You could have slapped me with a wet fish. So I booked in for the next night to speak with Doc again.
After a hellishly long night, we once again, Man following diligently behind, go back to the clinic. After an hour and a half wait, we go in and see Doc. He says "Your hormones are way out of whack. You have less than 2% of the hormone needed to produce eggs. BUT..." Finally I could breathe "We can do something about it, if we get on to it soon." THANK THE LORD IN HEAVEN!
Doc then went on to explain that I would need to check that my Fallopian tubes weren't blocked, in a rather painful procedure called a Hysterosalpingogram. Then, if that comes back all clear, I may start on a fertility hormone and try to become pregnant. If this doesn't not work I will then have to go on to see a Gynecologist.
So I guess some good has come of it. But right now, I feel like I am the one who has caused this, because my body is not producing what it needs too. It is a horrible feeling.
Hopefully we will come out the other end of this journey, stronger and part of the beginning of our family
But now that I have become engaged, ( YAY!!!) to a man I adore, and we do want to look at having children in the future, I thought I would revisit the situation.
So off I trundle, Man in toe, down to the doctors to talk about it further and get some more information. To my astonishment doc says, "You have a limited amount of time to get pregnant, if at all. But we need to check that you are producing eggs"
Well what can I say, I was lost for words. After a few moments gathering my wits, I asked what steps we needed to take to check this all out and see what was going on. So Doc sent me off for blood tests to make sure that my hormone levels were OK for conception.
That was last Friday. Monday rolls around and I am at a training session and I receive a phone call, its my Man, he says, "Doc called, you NEED to call them back" first though in my head? SHIT!!!!!
But I wait till lunch break, and call them back. The news?
"Miss, your NOT producing any eggs. Doc needs to see you" Once again gob smacked. You could have slapped me with a wet fish. So I booked in for the next night to speak with Doc again.
After a hellishly long night, we once again, Man following diligently behind, go back to the clinic. After an hour and a half wait, we go in and see Doc. He says "Your hormones are way out of whack. You have less than 2% of the hormone needed to produce eggs. BUT..." Finally I could breathe "We can do something about it, if we get on to it soon." THANK THE LORD IN HEAVEN!
Doc then went on to explain that I would need to check that my Fallopian tubes weren't blocked, in a rather painful procedure called a Hysterosalpingogram. Then, if that comes back all clear, I may start on a fertility hormone and try to become pregnant. If this doesn't not work I will then have to go on to see a Gynecologist.
So I guess some good has come of it. But right now, I feel like I am the one who has caused this, because my body is not producing what it needs too. It is a horrible feeling.
Hopefully we will come out the other end of this journey, stronger and part of the beginning of our family
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