I have
this... thing. No well lets be honest here. I have a Mental disorder,
I know many people out there do, and it is common but I want you to
know how it affects us. Me in particular.
What I
have has been diagnosed as Distinctly Disorder as well as Aviodent
personality Disorder (AvPD). Disthlymic Disorder is in the Depression
spectrum. I find it best explained as starting lower then depression
and not getting the up but crashing lower. Not particularly fun at
all. So when I get down.... it kind of hangs around for a while and I
struggle to kick it.
But I
have to say that the worst part, well no, the part I struggle with
the most is the AvPD. It sounds pretty self explaining, I have a bad
pattern of avoiding situation I struggle to cope with. But it is also
a form of social phobia in my case. I struggle to communicate with
just about anyone, and I shut down, sometimes completely. Thus the
avoiding. But by doing this I bottle everything up. From my emotions
to my energy. At times I become a ticking time bomb. I constantly
over analyse and over think EVERYTHING! From the way the wind goes
through the trees to what a complete stranger might think of me.
But why
you may ask am I telling you this? Because I need to let some of it
out. I just out of hospital.
Wow this
is harder to write than I thought it would be.
I was in
because I took and overdose of a mixture of medications I had in the
cabinet. I didn’t do it because I wanted to die, I just couldn’t
see another way out. The ticking bomb? Well I guess you could say
that it went off. I don’t remember much after I got into the bath
with a razor blade. I remember the release I felt when I cut. And I
remember my fiance coming in and seeing me. I called my mum after he
walked out of the room. I told her I had taken medications. And then
I remember my fiance pushing me into the car and whisking me up to
the local hospital. They put me into the High Dependency Unit over
night. I think I slept for an hour. It was like my own personal hell.
No way to communicate, no way to let my feelings out and absolutely
no way to escape the torment that was going on inside my own head.
Why had I done it? Why didn’t I think of those who love me? Am I
really that selfish? I had just added to my scars. Countless others
that had built up over the years. The next afternoon I was
transferred to one of the two mental heath rooms in our small country
hospital. And there I stayed for the next 6 days. I made very little
to no progress for the first 4 days. The first night in the mental
health unit, I crashed out again. Trying to self harm in the only
ways I could find. I ended up with bruises and scratch marks on my
forehead, and a shocking head ache! Night 2 was more of the same. But
I ended up with a black eye. I didn’t want to see any one, or be
touched. I was sitting in the middle of the bed rocking back and
forth trying to calm my self. The third night I got into the patient
kitchen and poured boiling water on my hand. And just too make it so
much better I did it again the next night. Burn on top of burn. Lets
just say the typing right now is not particularly fun. I slept that
night on the couch in my room with my hand in a bowl of ice water. It
blistered anyway. Then they started blackmailing me. I was
“traumatising” the nurses apparently, and if I did not stop they
would make the leave the hospital. I guess that was enough
convincing, I didn’t self harm again. The next two days I sat
feeling utterly numb. I blocked out everyone and everything. I guess
I fooled them because on day 7, yesterday, they send me home.
And here
I am. Blurting it all out too cyber space. Because the mental health
nurse thinks that it would be a good idea to have an outlet. But hey,
life throws you lemons, right?
I still
struggle to communicate with those closest to me. I worry that if
they really see me, and see what I truly am, they will run for the
hills. I don’t think I could stand loosing anyone right now. I love
them all. I am so lucky to have them and I wouldn’t change them for
the world! I am really one lucky lady.
So I'm
not making any promises, I don’t know what the future holds for me.
but I will say that I hope to achieve my goals. But if there is
anyone who is reading this that is going through the same type of
thing... Find solace in the fact that you are not alone and there are
people out there who care about you and want to help you. Even if it
is that one crazy lady who writes a blog every now and again.
My email
inbox is always open
