Life again

I have this... thing. No well lets be honest here. I have a Mental disorder, I know many people out there do, and it is common but I want you to know how it affects us. Me in particular.

What I have has been diagnosed as Distinctly Disorder as well as Aviodent personality Disorder (AvPD). Disthlymic Disorder is in the Depression spectrum. I find it best explained as starting lower then depression and not getting the up but crashing lower. Not particularly fun at all. So when I get down.... it kind of hangs around for a while and I struggle to kick it.

But I have to say that the worst part, well no, the part I struggle with the most is the AvPD. It sounds pretty self explaining, I have a bad pattern of avoiding situation I struggle to cope with. But it is also a form of social phobia in my case. I struggle to communicate with just about anyone, and I shut down, sometimes completely. Thus the avoiding. But by doing this I bottle everything up. From my emotions to my energy. At times I become a ticking time bomb. I constantly over analyse and over think EVERYTHING! From the way the wind goes through the trees to what a complete stranger might think of me.

But why you may ask am I telling you this? Because I need to let some of it out. I just out of hospital.

Wow this is harder to write than I thought it would be.

I was in because I took and overdose of a mixture of medications I had in the cabinet. I didn’t do it because I wanted to die, I just couldn’t see another way out. The ticking bomb? Well I guess you could say that it went off. I don’t remember much after I got into the bath with a razor blade. I remember the release I felt when I cut. And I remember my fiance coming in and seeing me. I called my mum after he walked out of the room. I told her I had taken medications. And then I remember my fiance pushing me into the car and whisking me up to the local hospital. They put me into the High Dependency Unit over night. I think I slept for an hour. It was like my own personal hell. No way to communicate, no way to let my feelings out and absolutely no way to escape the torment that was going on inside my own head. Why had I done it? Why didn’t I think of those who love me? Am I really that selfish? I had just added to my scars. Countless others that had built up over the years. The next afternoon I was transferred to one of the two mental heath rooms in our small country hospital. And there I stayed for the next 6 days. I made very little to no progress for the first 4 days. The first night in the mental health unit, I crashed out again. Trying to self harm in the only ways I could find. I ended up with bruises and scratch marks on my forehead, and a shocking head ache! Night 2 was more of the same. But I ended up with a black eye. I didn’t want to see any one, or be touched. I was sitting in the middle of the bed rocking back and forth trying to calm my self. The third night I got into the patient kitchen and poured boiling water on my hand. And just too make it so much better I did it again the next night. Burn on top of burn. Lets just say the typing right now is not particularly fun. I slept that night on the couch in my room with my hand in a bowl of ice water. It blistered anyway. Then they started blackmailing me. I was “traumatising” the nurses apparently, and if I did not stop they would make the leave the hospital. I guess that was enough convincing, I didn’t self harm again. The next two days I sat feeling utterly numb. I blocked out everyone and everything. I guess I fooled them because on day 7, yesterday, they send me home.

And here I am. Blurting it all out too cyber space. Because the mental health nurse thinks that it would be a good idea to have an outlet. But hey, life throws you lemons, right?

I still struggle to communicate with those closest to me. I worry that if they really see me, and see what I truly am, they will run for the hills. I don’t think I could stand loosing anyone right now. I love them all. I am so lucky to have them and I wouldn’t change them for the world! I am really one lucky lady.

So I'm not making any promises, I don’t know what the future holds for me. but I will say that I hope to achieve my goals. But if there is anyone who is reading this that is going through the same type of thing... Find solace in the fact that you are not alone and there are people out there who care about you and want to help you. Even if it is that one crazy lady who writes a blog every now and again.

My email inbox is always open

Moral ambiguity

It seems that I have been deluding my self in believing that I am all ok... According to 2 different Doctors I am depressed... AGAIN!
This makes sense now that I try and look at the situation objectively. I am currently constantly at risk of breaking down into tears, if the wrong subject is broached. Its not as if I want to. But it just is. There fore, the depression diagnosis. But its ok, Im sure that with all the support I have around me at the moment that I can get through this rough patch. It just seems at the moment that a lot of little things can get on my nerves.

Sometimes I nothing more than too shout out to the world "HERE I AM!! Notice me! Acknowledge me! please..." Its not as if I am someone outstanding, but doesn't everyone want to be seen every now and then.
I mean, I have quirks, and idiosyncrasies. Like the fact that I only paint the nails on left hand, because when I do my right... it looks like shit. But really Im average.
I hate being average. I would much rather be at an extreme then be average. Well maybe not an extreme but perhaps just a little more than what I can currently claim to be.
And again this comes back to the whole... NOTICE ME thing. I guess this is part of my reason for doing this blog. Also because I have been told on many occaisions by many professionals that writing can help depression. I think that this form, achieves not only my need to write and get all the crap out of my system, but may also feed my need to be noticed and acknowledged.... just maybe....
But I have decided that feedback might be nice.

So if you will.... Email me your thoughts my dedicated (or not so) readers. The address is      superstar_444@hotmail.com

For now I will go back to watching "United States of Tara" and trawling Facebook...

love and light

Kait

Life got in my way

I'm back!

I know I said that i would write sooner but life got in my way again. You know how it gets sometimes. But as you may have realized by now, my luck ain't the best. Now I know that everyone has bad stints in their life, and right now mine really isn't all that bad. I'm not desperately unhappy. I have met the love of my life. And I am generally in a good place. And you have guessed it. There is a big fat "but" coming, and no it isn't mine :P

So suspense over, I was in hospital again... Gah! I know! story of my life at the moment! This time it was sort of self inflicted. I should probably tell you the whole story.

I used to play basketball every weekend, and I stopped because our team fell apart and I got into that teenage place where it wasn't the "cool" thing to do anymore. But a few weeks ago I had the bright idea that I should start playing again. MOL (mother in law) and I looked into it and found out that some of the other ladies in her office played on a weekly basis. So I got the forms and decided that, yep! This was for me! So last Wednesday, I had my first game! We played well, but the other team played hard, and lacking a second referee, we lost. Lets just say, if we had a second ref, the entire other team would have been benched. But that's not the point I am trying to get too. I also played hard, I was always taught, "Play hard, or go home" so I went for it. But... I'm asthmatic... so Oops... By the time I got home and had a shower, I was literally wheezing. Hoping it would subside, I let it go for 30 mins, but when MOL came to check on me, I was stuck in bed and every time I moved I broke into a coughing fit. We made the decision then to take me up to the hospital. They put me on Ventolin through a nebuliser (aerated) and sent me home. By 2am I had my fiancee take me back up because I was wheezing again. They said my chest was clear and that it would probably settle after more Ventolin. So they gave me more and sent me home again.

I think I got home and passed out. I was exhausted. But the next day I just was not right, and I knew that something more was wrong when I couldn't even walk around the shops without loosing my breathe. So off the doctors I went. He was also unimpressed and sent me back to hospital to be admitted. I was there for two days, and too tell the truth, I don't believe that I am any better. I'm not wheezing, and my chest is clear. But I still can bearly get around the house without loosing my breath.... but my doctor was in the city so I will have to wait until Monday to talk to him about it.

But I will live to another day!

Love and Light... Kait

YAY! good work readers! You keep me writing! I will do a proper post tomorrow after my first shift of my new job.

COME ON!! 200 veiws! WERE ALMOST THERE!!

It seems to me that I have struck it kind of lucky with the friends that I have. Believe me, it has taken some time for me to get here and find people who like me for me. But I believe that I have come to that point where I could call on just about anyone of my friends and they would come. It really came to my attention just today when I spoke to a friend I hadn't really talked to in about 3-5 months. It was her 21st birthday yesterday and her party last night, but seeing as I now live in another state, I missed it. But she got on the internet and just started to talk to me. She had no idea what has been going on with me this last week, but she asked how I was and listened. It just really remided me that, even though I missed her birthday, and last time I tried to catch up with her, she was too busy. We are still there for each other. And if I picked up the phone right now, she would sit and talk to me for as long as it would take.
We all think too much and loose sight of what is really important. To me friendships and relationships are important, you have to look after them. But you have to look after them for them to survive. But most importantly you have to look after you. Because with youth you, there is nothing else. There is nothing wrong with being selfish every now then. Nothing wrong with saying YAY ME!
Do it,  say YAY ME! IM GREAT! I AM WORTH ANYONE'S TIME!! WOOO! It feels great doesn't it. I figure that if you do it everyday, you will eventually be so ok with your self everything will fall into place.



Just, Be your self.

ok?

Bird-Uncaged out.

Busy Days, and Lazy nights!

If this is life, bring it on because I have not feel this good in... well ever since I can remember. It still hurts from the news I recieved earlier in the week but, you know what, it really isn't the end of the world. I would love to have the chance to get pregnant, but there are other ways of making our family grow if it come to that. I am open to adoption, as is my fiance, so I think we will get through it. No, I know that we will get through it.
On a completely different note, I had a proud daughter moment today. I called my mum to see how she was going on her holiday with family up north. She and Dad went up there because my uncle had organised for them to go yachting for a week or so. But when I called her this afternoon she told me that my cousin had organised for them all to go to Sea world and stay in the resort over night! I was so excited for her! Then she told me she had also gone a two rides!! I was stunned!! this is the woman who gets sick on a merry go round!! but apparently she took some of her seasickness medication and gave it a go!! I have to give some credit to my cousin for convincing her to do it, But she did! HER FIRST RIDES EVER!! YAY MUM!!!!
I have been quite busy lately and today I went into my new job for induction! It was very exciting! I am so much better if I keep myself busy, I am able to keep my mind away from things that might bring me down and I can focus on the positives in life!! And there are so many at the moment!
All I need to do is to look at how far I have actually come! I had been given news, like that I recieved this week, a year ago; I would have been suicidal. End of story. And this week, I have been able to pick myself up and get on with life. Sometimes its OK to pat your self on your back, and I allowing myself that!
YAY ME!!

Horrible news

I received some devastating news on Monday, and I thought my world was about to come crashing down. All I have ever known that I have really wanted, was to be a mother. It was the only thing I have ever been adamant about. Now I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome when I had just turned 18, and at the time I was told that I may struggle to get pregnant. At the time I wasn't a relationship or the mental state to become a mother, so I dismissed it and carried on with life. It wasn't really hurting me, I knew i needed to loose weight to keep my body ticking over but it wasn't really a huge issue.
But now that I have become engaged, ( YAY!!!) to a man I adore, and we do want to look at having children in the future, I thought I would revisit the situation.
So off I trundle, Man in toe, down to the doctors to talk about it further and get some more information. To my astonishment doc says, "You have a limited amount of time to get pregnant, if at all. But we need to check that you are producing eggs"
Well what can I say, I was lost for words. After a few moments gathering my wits, I asked what steps we needed to take to check this all out and see what was going on. So Doc sent me off for blood tests to make sure that my hormone levels were OK for conception.
That was last Friday. Monday rolls around and I am at a training session and I receive a phone call, its my Man, he says, "Doc called, you NEED to call them back" first though in my head? SHIT!!!!!
But I wait till lunch break, and call them back. The news?

"Miss, your NOT producing any eggs. Doc needs to see you" Once again gob smacked. You could have slapped me with a wet fish. So I booked in for the next night to speak with Doc again.
After a hellishly long night, we once again, Man following diligently behind, go back to the clinic. After an hour and a half wait, we go in and see Doc. He says "Your hormones are way out of whack. You have less than 2% of the hormone needed to produce eggs. BUT..." Finally I could breathe "We can do something about it, if we get on to it soon." THANK THE LORD IN HEAVEN!
Doc then went on to explain that I would need to check that my Fallopian tubes weren't blocked, in a rather painful procedure called a Hysterosalpingogram. Then, if that comes back all clear, I may start on a fertility hormone and try to become pregnant. If this doesn't not work I will then have to go on to see a Gynecologist.
So I guess some good has come of it. But right now, I feel like I am the one who has caused this, because my body is not producing what it needs too. It is a horrible feeling.
Hopefully we will come out the other end of this journey, stronger and part of the beginning of our family

Poem 1

as the trees whisper their sweet melody

I can but only hold my breath sadly

watching, more than any can bear

a single tear drops through the air

a single drop falling to the sea

and thats all that we will ever be

an ant, a mite or possibly a fly

but that is not the reason I ask why

If life endures, when all else is gone

to whom does It matter our reincarnation

Oh my, why does this have to be so

why is it, now we understand what goes

on between the sky and the earth

it is not what it seems, it is not birth

yes birth is a part of the coming and going

but to what end is this show we are showing

in the eyes of the old, many truths can be found

but a babes first breath holds what we seek now

the light that comes with a child's smile

is not something found in a aisle.

in a single gaze from loves fair eyes

many are all but hypnotised

but when true love and light aligned

where is the difference for the blind

in the darkness all is but sound,

and touch and taste are all thats found

what does it matter if love is fair

for looks a blind man does not care

Adjust

It takes time to adjust to any new situation. For myself, these last 3 months have been transitional and hard to fathom at times. But proceed in life I must, as must we all. At time I wonder if I have lost my way
It is then I realize that it is not that I have lost myself, more that I have opened up a different, untouched compartment that I wasn't quite sure was there before I began this journey.
Finding it was as if I was being told,  "here, here is your chance to grow, take it in any direction you want," So I took it, and ran with it!
Some have accused me of running away from my problems, which is partly true, but I also believe that without this change, this upheaval, I would not have grown, that I would have become stagnant.
I was at a point in my life where I had gain all I could, where I was. The next logical step was to move on, to find another avenue to grow as a person. I believe that as people, we are constantly growing. In body, mind and in spirit. For me, it was time to spread my wings.
So now, in reflection, I have lost, but I have gain double that which I have left behind.

Going Bush??

So... I went for a job interview today. It went really well, but here's the thing, it means that I have to go bush for it. Literally I will have to travel to the Australian Outback to work with kids on stations. I know right! Great opportunity! And a great experience. My gut is telling me to go for it! But my head is another matter. I mean, I just got here, living with my partner finally! I love it here! I'm happier than i have ever been before. This is going to be a confusing time, until I find out if they want me for the job or not. 

Then I will have to decide. 

The boy says he is OK with it, but I'm not sure. Or am I. I really want this. Every part of me is excited about the adventure this job would be bring. The only draw back are the travel and the time away from the boy. Its only 2 weeks away at a time, but then I don't know how long between one place and the next. I guess these are questions I need to ask.
But I really do hope I have to opportunity to try this...

Life on the couch

As the title shows, I have been living most of my life on the couch these last two weeks. Its not just because I'm lazy (which I am, and will admit to without hesitation) I have actually just had my gall bladder out. I was in hospital for a week, fasting... Now I am a lady who loves her food. I was starving! It was a long 6 days let me tell you! But after trying to eat and reduced to the fetal position because of the intense pain, the doctor decided it would just be better to remove it. 

But after being let out a week ago, and spending the end of last with my parents down, I actually am starting to feel human again. Thus the decision to get on with life, and sit on the couch and write a blog! But I did go to the pool tonight with my partners mum lets call her J. I feel better actually, getting moving has given me more energy. So what did I do? Sat on the couch of course! No I'm not that bad, I did end up back on the couch, but it turns out, all that movement and stretching stirred something up. I was sore before hand but afterwards... ouch is all i can say.

I should probably explain that over the Christmas holidays I moved in with my partner. So I now live a state away from all my family, friends and well just about everyone I know! But I seriously would not change a thing. I am the happiest (apart from being so sick) I have been in a hell of a long time. I know it will take time, but I will make friends. And as for family, I saw my parents last week, which was amazing, but I do miss my niece. It has been strange. I went from spending everyday of her life with her. to hours away. I do miss my brothers and sisters-in-law. But we still speak often. Especially this last week. I have also been writing letters to my Nana. Its brilliant to receive and send letters in the mail.  

But, my week on the couch has not been unproductive. I have recently discovered the wonders of Doctor Who. It is possibly the most amazing television production to come out of England. Well the most amazing one I have seen so far. Now I haven't seen the originals but the new series are fantastic. I am still not used to Matt Smith as the Doctor but I loove Amy. I think that she is brilliant. I have seen up to the end of 5th season, and J has the 7th season recorded, but at the moment.... no 6th season. :( 

Couch time has also shown me how much I am nerdy gamer girl. Is it sad that right now I am extremely excited that I am waiting for my new Nintendo DSI? Its bright pink! I LOVE IT! Well I will. I know I will. I have been loving playing Pokemon. Im on Diamond at the moment, but it has shown me why I never really like Pokemon... I do love Mario, and Donkey Kong though. I have been on the Wii as well. Playing a hell of a lot of Guitar Hero. 

All this gaming is bad sometimes. I get so caught up in the game that I lose track of time and end up spending hours playing!. That is why I have decided I need to take up a sport. I used to play basketball so I think I will find a new team here. I'm looking forward to it to be honest. I cant wait to extend my body again. I am getting bored with this couch.

So no more life on the couch!!