New Poems

Poem 1 of 3

Meds vs Monsters
Living in a Valium haze
Because God, oh God
These are the days
When I don't know
If what I feel
Is a false reality
Or really real
The blinding numbness
Down to my core
Lost in the shapes
Distorting my floor
Staring so long
That monsters emerge
In the corners of my mind
They begin to converge
In silent moments
They overtake
Causing me
to loose my faith
All i believe
And know is best
Has been contorted
To the worst kind of test
Medicated trances
Giving me a break
Allowing me respite
From all this ache
But as always
They come with a price
Loosing your self
In the substance vice
Can be just as bad
And almost as fraught
As the trap that becomes
Those monstrous thoughts

Poem 2 of 3


Dancing with death
While fighting against fate
Loosing what sense
I once used to make
Tears now flow free
Down cheeks, over lips
Salty and bitter
The grip has now slipped
Shattering pieces
Of a puzzle piece soul
An impossible equation
Never to be solved
I've lost to my self
The battle long fought
But I can't seem to remember
Which guidance I sought.
Did I want to win,
Or keep playing the game?
Was it peace that I wanted,
An end all the same?
Should I hold my head high?
Should I shout it out loud?
Do I need to explain
Do I need to be proud
Maybe there isn't
One single answer
Maybe it's only
The approach that matters?

Poem 3 of 3

She and I
She pointed at me,
As if I were the one
Who could explain all the pain,
That had somehow begun
It ravaged her face
And was plain to see
How cruel this world
Had turned out to be
Out of her favour
And into my hands
Searching for reasons
To abandon these plans
Imploring and hoping
And begging for change
Knowing all along
What was happening was strange
Reflecting in shapes
And shadows alike
Staring her down
Awaiting the strike
Lifting my hand
To make the first move
She does the same thing
As if only to prove
That she and I
Are one and the same
Only she is my mirror
And this is my stage
Im acting this out
For all too see
Hoping I fool them
That they don’t see me
Desperately seeking
The moment when
Everything would seem
Normal again

Something everyone should watch

"how come every other organ in your body can get sick, and you get sympathy, except the brain?"

http://www.upworthy.com/a-comedian-talks-about-her-experience-in-a-mental-institution-its-funny-mostly?c=ufb1

Dear “Normal” People

When you look at me, what is it you see? My hair? My face? My body shape? Or do you see my smile? The light that can fill, or leave my eyes? Do you see how well I’m dressed? Or how well I keep myself? Or is it my scars you see? The dark circles under my eyes? My slumped shoulders? Do you see my depression? The thoughts that haunt my waking hours and the dreams that leave me breathless? Do you see how hard I am fighting myself to stay alive? Do you really see me? Or are you seeing the misconceived idea that because I have a mental illness, I am different, scary or possibly even dangerous.

But honestly, I can’t say that I blame you. Since a young age we have had it drilled into us to be “normal”. But what is this “normal” we all so desperately want to achieve? What about working a 9-5 job? But that would rule out all shift workers, including nurses, doctors, police etc. Is “normal” owning a home and having a family? These days with the price of everything rising, buying a house isn’t something everyone can do, a lot of people rent. Having a family isn’t possible for everyone, but that doesn’t mean that they are not normal. You could look at it from a statistical point of view, meaning that you find the average out of every human to find a norm. But within every average there are an infinite amount of variables. You may fit the average over all but there may be just one place that is different.

So,  I guess the question I am asking turns into, “Is there such thing as normal?” I would hazard a guess that there is not. When we look at normal we have to take into account many different factors, such as ethnicity, family values, beliefs, religion, laws and regulations and country of origin,  just to name a few. But all of these factors will affect a person’s perception of normal. Normal in itself varies from group to group.

We could debate the mechanics of what is and isn’t normal until we are blue in the face, the matter still stands that those of us who perceive the world differently are considered “abnormal”.  Those of us who struggle to regulate and even understand our emotions are not normal. Those who see or hear things differently aren’t normal. Those who cannot see a future for themselves are not normal. But just because something is different, doesn’t mean that it should be feared or locked away. As a society, I believe that we are too quick to judge. Too quick to put everyone into their own little box so that they fit neatly into a system that is so clearly broken. I personally don’t wanted to be boxed up and shoved into a pigeon hole. I am not just a label given to me by someone who has met me twice. I am more than that.

My diagnosis of Borderline Personality, Major Depression and General Anxiety are just labels. They do not and will never define who I am. They make up a part of who I am, but only a slither. The rest of me could be just like any one of you reading this right now. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt. I am a writer, a quilter, a singer, a dancer. I am a Facebooker, a Blogger, Youtuber. I am a bookworm, a Whovian, a Potterhead.  I am tattooed, scared and imperfect. Some days I don’t particularly like who I am, but my experiences make up who I have become, and I wouldn’t change them for the world.

There is a saying, “… if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid” (Albert Einstein). This to me is saying that everyone is different, perhaps their measurable quality isn’t the same as the next persons, but that doesn’t make them less or more capable. Just differently able. If we stop trying to measure everyone the same way, we might have a more realistic view of normal.

Mental illness, like any other illness can be debilitating. It just effects a different organ, the brain. But if you see someone who is in a wheel chair, would you go out of your way to make sure they made it through life easier because you could see that they needed help?  There are times when someone with a mental illness needs just as much help but it is not always readily give. This is, I believe, because it cannot be seen. It isn’t like I wear a neon sign on my forehead indicating that I have a mental illness. But at the same time, I will be honest with anyone who takes the time of day to ask or get to know me. I am not afraid to tell anyone that I do have a mental illness. So, perhaps we need to work on not only the stigma, but on awareness. I believe by addressing one, you will by default, address the other.

So, I may not be normal in the measureable sense, or even in the broad sense. But I also don’t want to be. I don’t want to fit neatly into a box. I can tell you right now that I will spill over all the edges and just make a mess. But even if I am not normal, I am still human. And I would take that over normality any day.

Depression and Anxiety

 What is the worst thing you could possibly imagine happening to yourself?

 Becoming seriously ill with cancer or any other physical disease?

Dying?

How about losing control? Feeling as though nothing you are going to do will make a difference in how you feel or think? Becoming so overwhelmed in emotions that you can’t even name, and forgetting every logical thing you know to be true?

For many people, me included, this is a reality. A reality where you can easily get lost inside your own mind. A reality where you cannot tell the difference between awake and sleep at times. Where hope is a foreign concept and the smallest of actions can feel like climbing Everest.

My day usually starts with the same internal monologue.

I’m awake? I made it through another night… Shit… Ok well time to get out of bed then. No? Maybe just 5 more minutes, and I will build up to it.

Right it’s been 20 mins time to get up. I am going to kick the sheets off in 3…. 2…. 1….. ….. Is it really worth it?

When the answer is yes, (either because I have an appointment or something to get out of bed for) I will kick off the sheets and shove myself up.

But when the answer is no, I will just roll over and lie there until I get bored enough to move or get told that staying in bed probably isn’t the best idea.

You see for me, and many others with similar experiences, I don’t want to stay in bed because I could really use a lie in, or I’ve been working too hard, and it isn’t that I’m lazy. I just cannot see the point in moving. That hope, or drive to achieve is gone. Eaten away by fear and by sadness. Which then perpetuates into shame, which makes me more sad and afraid that I won’t change, and so the cycle continues. So finding the motivation to make a decision, then the energy to follow through with it. Well it is like trying to walk through tar.

Decision making and Depression do not like each other, in fact I see them as two magnets with the same charge, the just repel each other. Then when you add anxiety to the mix things can get really interesting.

Its anxiety that, for me at least, questions my every move. And when every single possibility is laid bare you only seem to notice the things that could go wrong. I have the uncanny ability to see my own flaws and use them to sabotage myself. I get really bad cases of the “what ifs” and the “shoulds”.

As in: What if you see someone when you are at the shops that you know? What are they going to think?

Or

You should be able to handle this better, look at your friends, they are still getting on with their lives.

Those thoughts can be very distracting when all you want to do is go grocery shopping. And coupled with a constant niggle in the back of your mind that you are not ok, and things are never going to be “normal” for you, can be enough to keep you from just getting out of bed.

Depression and anxiety are things that are easily seen by others. Often those with symptoms are too afraid to speak up or let someone know that “hey, I’m not travelling so well at the moment”. Or they think that they should be strong enough to deal with it on their own. That asking for help will make them seem weak. Sometimes it is even the case that they don’t realise how bad things get until something happens.

But it should not be something that people feel they have to hide.

Do we ask people with cancer to hide their disease? Mental illness is a disease like any other. There is nothing taboo, or wrong about it. It just is.

I read recently a piece on the death of a celebrity. In this piece it was putting forth the idea that this person did not die of suicide, but rather of depression. It went on to explain that when someone who had cancer passes, we generally say “they died of cancer” when technically it could have been a seizure, stroke, pneumonia or a plethora of other things. But when someone commits suicide, it is left at that. Suicide is the fatal symptom of depression. It is not necessarily a choice, but rather a lack of other viable (or foreseeable) options. The idea that suicide is a choice implies that the person doesn’t respect life, that others who are fighting to live don’t have that choice where this person does. No one choses to suffer from depression, and as someone who does, I would not wish it upon anyone. But I also know that as someone with depression, I do fight. I fight everyday just to make it to the next.

So I guess the big question is, how can you help? As a family member, a friend, a co-worker or even just a stranger on the street. The biggest thing to remember is that asking the question is not a bad thing. Are you OK? Do you want to have a chat? But in the same token, try not to be offended if they say no. Sometimes you don’t want or need to talk right at that moment, but keep the offer open, have patience. Frustration is natural when trying to engage someone who is not particularly open, but try not to feel guilty for it. And remember that if you are feeling frustration, it is more than likely that they are feel the same. Other tips I would give are to keep it casual, the person doesn’t need to feel like they are in a therapy session, and they most likely have workers or psychologists already for that. Treat them as you would with any other person, they don’t always need kid gloves. Try not to place blame, mental health doesn’t have a bias, sometimes it just happens. The last thing I will say, and probably, in my eyes at least is the most important thing to remember, validate them. Remind them that what they are feeling is real, and it is OK to feel that way.

Life is a balancing act. For everyone. Some of us struggle more than others to keep that delicate balance intact. The fight is real. That fight to keep your own mind from telling you dangerous truths and misconceived lies. That fight against yourself, just to stay alive. Never negate another person’s feelings. But also never negate your own. Self-care is key to being able to help someone else. Recovery is a long journey, and sometimes your friend, family member, or co-worker might take a step backwards. But with your support, friendship, or love, moving forward with life becomes easier and easier. Don’t give up, and remind them to do the same.

As for some people, there are times when I need a little extra support. I have the support of my case manager and also other various workers, family and friends. But there are times when I feel that, if I let things go they would escalate and I would possibly end up in hospital. Hospital is for me is not a place that I find particularly helpful. In fact it often leads to heightened anxiety. So for me, YPARC is a place where I feel that I can have that extra support, without having to go on to the ward. The times that I have stayed I am often working on bringing my stress and anxiety levels down as well as building on the strategies that I have previously developed. YPARC is an amazing facility that has, and will continue to play a key part in my recovery. I am thankful to the amazing staff for their ongoing support, but also for creating an atmosphere in which I feel safe, but at the same time, feel I am able to seek their help and advice when things are getting tough. Having a facility such as YPARC is invaluable and without which, I doubt that I would have made it this far in my recovery.

More Poetry

Can you give me all I seek? For it's in your soul I know you keep A truth you know should not be feared Yet all the same it keeps you here

In a place your loathe to love A havoc you cannot rise above Bringing only anguish inside A heart that's made for nothing aside

Aside from a love and hope that's true A brightness that is truly you Inside yourself I know you'll see Conviction and an enduring belief

It may take days or weeks or years But you must see past what appears For when it seems you will but drown Look inside, there your truth will be found.

You try and hide, but these words I see Are screaming through your eyes at me Beyond the sounds I hear from you I find a fate more deeply true

It tells a tale you can't deny No matter how you mask, or try A story of such toil and pain So that now only a ruin remains

The truth behind the hurt is raw But somehow, you long to give yet more To find a way to make this stop To topple the endless spinning top

Until there is none left to find And the emptiness can render you blind Because only then will you feel free From that past that broke your creed

New Poems

Poem I

When all I can do
is sit back and breathe
It takes more than hope
for me to believe

The light that should shine
Lighting my path
Is long but lost
giving way to the dark

I've long given up
searching for faith
The will to continue
it seems I've misplaced

When the dawn comes
and I'm left with the weight
all that's to do
is find my escape


Poem II

If I close my eyes
the world will slip away
and I will be able
to live another day

If I close my eyes
Things cease to exist
and I might just
be able to persist

If I close my eyes
it becomes but a dream
but they're open to reality
and its worse than it seems

Because if I close my eyes
The monsters will come
and if I let that happen
then I really am done

Dreams

So you, like so many others have asked me the question that, like so many others, I have failed to answer. What do I want? It is a harder question to answer than it seems. For the simple fact that I have developed a belief system that doesn't allow room for the possibility that I might have a future that I would like.

But I do remember a time when I did have dreams of what my future would hold. And I remember clear as day what those dreams were, even though they have no room in my world right now. None of them were elaborate, but they seemed plausible and most of all, they were mine.

I saw my self getting through high school with a best friend to confide in and keep secrets with, going to parties, meeting boys, dating and enjoying it all. Completing VCE with marks that would allow me to get into the university of my choice. I could see struggling through Uni but meeting amazing people, and choosing to major in something completely useless just because I didn't know what else to do. I could see traveling and volunteering while traveling. Falling in love with the places and people I found overseas.

I could see coming home from my travels and feeling a little older and wiser but still looking forward to what the world would throw at me next. I would continue to volunteer but keep a job as well. A job that have the opportunities to grow and succeed. Eventually I would find someone who made me feel complete. My other half, and we would settle down. Live together for a few years until he finally plucks up the courage to ask me to marry him.
I never wanted a big wedding. Just family and close friends, in bush or country church. I knew what dress, what flowers, what colours I wanted. I even had all the music picked out (still a play list on My computer). With room for my husband to be to have his input as well if that was what he wanted.

Our honeymoon would be an island holiday and a dream. But it wouldn't be long until we would be expecting our first child. With 3 more to come. My biggest dream was that I would become a mother. I would name my first child for my mother. Laura is my mothers favourite girls name. My husband would have to help me with any sons names. I could never find one that I fell in love with. Life after that would go as smoothly as anyone else's. All the usual ups and downs.

I didn't have any stead fast plans after that. I was sure it would all come with time. But now... Now I feel as though I have lost all chance at that future. I cant see any of it anymore. And the worst part? I'm only 22.