Poem 1 of 3
Meds vs Monsters
Living in a Valium haze
Because God, oh God
These are the days
When I don't know
If what I feel
Is a false reality
Or really real
The blinding numbness
Down to my core
Lost in the shapes
Distorting my floor
Staring so long
That monsters emerge
In the corners of my mind
They begin to converge
In silent moments
They overtake
Causing me
to loose my faith
All i believe
And know is best
Has been contorted
To the worst kind of test
Medicated trances
Giving me a break
Allowing me respite
From all this ache
But as always
They come with a price
Loosing your self
In the substance vice
Can be just as bad
And almost as fraught
As the trap that becomes
Those monstrous thoughts
Poem 2 of 3
Dancing with death
While fighting against fate
Loosing what sense
I once used to make
Tears now flow free
Down cheeks, over lips
Salty and bitter
The grip has now slipped
Shattering pieces
Of a puzzle piece soul
An impossible equation
Never to be solved
I've lost to my self
The battle long fought
But I can't seem to remember
Which guidance I sought.
Did I want to win,
Or keep playing the game?
Was it peace that I wanted,
An end all the same?
Should I hold my head high?
Should I shout it out loud?
Do I need to explain
Do I need to be proud
Maybe there isn't
One single answer
Maybe it's only
The approach that matters?
Poem 3 of 3
She and I
She pointed at me,
As if I were the one
Who could explain all the pain,
That had somehow begun
It ravaged her face
And was plain to see
How cruel this world
Had turned out to be
Out of her favour
And into my hands
Searching for reasons
To abandon these plans
Imploring and hoping
And begging for change
Knowing all along
What was happening was strange
Reflecting in shapes
And shadows alike
Staring her down
Awaiting the strike
Lifting my hand
To make the first move
She does the same thing
As if only to prove
That she and I
Are one and the same
Only she is my mirror
And this is my stage
Im acting this out
For all too see
Hoping I fool them
That they don’t see me
Desperately seeking
The moment when
Everything would seem
Normal again
Lost in Reality
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Something everyone should watch
"how come every other organ in your body can get sick, and you get sympathy, except the brain?"
http://www.upworthy.com/a-comedian-talks-about-her-experience-in-a-mental-institution-its-funny-mostly?c=ufb1
http://www.upworthy.com/a-comedian-talks-about-her-experience-in-a-mental-institution-its-funny-mostly?c=ufb1
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Dear “Normal” People
When you look at me, what is it
you see? My hair? My face? My body shape? Or do you see my smile? The light
that can fill, or leave my eyes? Do you see how well I’m dressed? Or how well I
keep myself? Or is it my scars you see? The dark circles under my eyes? My
slumped shoulders? Do you see my depression? The thoughts that haunt my waking
hours and the dreams that leave me breathless? Do you see how hard I am
fighting myself to stay alive? Do you really see me? Or are you seeing the
misconceived idea that because I have a mental illness, I am different, scary
or possibly even dangerous.
But honestly, I can’t say that I
blame you. Since a young age we have had it drilled into us to be “normal”. But
what is this “normal” we all so desperately want to achieve? What about working
a 9-5 job? But that would rule out all shift workers, including nurses,
doctors, police etc. Is “normal” owning a home and having a family? These days
with the price of everything rising, buying a house isn’t something everyone
can do, a lot of people rent. Having a family isn’t possible for everyone, but
that doesn’t mean that they are not normal. You could look at it from a
statistical point of view, meaning that you find the average out of every human
to find a norm. But within every average there are an infinite amount of variables.
You may fit the average over all but there may be just one place that is
different.
So, I guess the question I am asking turns into,
“Is there such thing as normal?” I would hazard a guess that there is not. When
we look at normal we have to take into account many different factors, such as
ethnicity, family values, beliefs, religion, laws and regulations and country
of origin, just to name a few. But all
of these factors will affect a person’s perception of normal. Normal in itself
varies from group to group.
We could debate the mechanics of
what is and isn’t normal until we are blue in the face, the matter still stands
that those of us who perceive the world differently are considered “abnormal”. Those of us who struggle to regulate and even
understand our emotions are not normal. Those who see or hear things
differently aren’t normal. Those who cannot see a future for themselves are not
normal. But just because something is different, doesn’t mean that it should be
feared or locked away. As a society, I believe that we are too quick to judge.
Too quick to put everyone into their own little box so that they fit neatly
into a system that is so clearly broken. I personally don’t wanted to be boxed
up and shoved into a pigeon hole. I am not just a label given to me by someone
who has met me twice. I am more than that.
My diagnosis of Borderline
Personality, Major Depression and General Anxiety are just labels. They do not
and will never define who I am. They make up a part of who I am, but only a
slither. The rest of me could be just like any one of you reading this right
now. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt. I am a writer, a quilter, a
singer, a dancer. I am a Facebooker, a Blogger, Youtuber. I am a bookworm, a
Whovian, a Potterhead. I am tattooed,
scared and imperfect. Some days I don’t particularly like who I am, but my
experiences make up who I have become, and I wouldn’t change them for the
world.
There is a saying, “… if you
judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life
believing that it is stupid” (Albert Einstein). This to me is saying that
everyone is different, perhaps their measurable quality isn’t the same as the
next persons, but that doesn’t make them less or more capable. Just differently
able. If we stop trying to measure everyone the same way, we might have a more
realistic view of normal.
Mental illness, like any other
illness can be debilitating. It just effects a different organ, the brain. But
if you see someone who is in a wheel chair, would you go out of your way to
make sure they made it through life easier because you could see that they
needed help? There are times when
someone with a mental illness needs just as much help but it is not always
readily give. This is, I believe, because it cannot be seen. It isn’t like I
wear a neon sign on my forehead indicating that I have a mental illness. But at
the same time, I will be honest with anyone who takes the time of day to ask or
get to know me. I am not afraid to tell anyone that I do have a mental illness.
So, perhaps we need to work on not only the stigma, but on awareness. I believe
by addressing one, you will by default, address the other.
So, I may not be normal in the
measureable sense, or even in the broad sense. But I also don’t want to be. I
don’t want to fit neatly into a box. I can tell you right now that I will spill
over all the edges and just make a mess. But even if I am not normal, I am
still human. And I would take that over normality any day.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Depression and Anxiety
Becoming seriously
ill with cancer or any other physical disease?
Dying?
How about losing control? Feeling as though nothing you are
going to do will make a difference in how you feel or think? Becoming so
overwhelmed in emotions that you can’t even name, and forgetting every logical
thing you know to be true?
For many people, me included, this is a reality. A reality
where you can easily get lost inside your own mind. A reality where you cannot
tell the difference between awake and sleep at times. Where hope is a foreign
concept and the smallest of actions can feel like climbing Everest.
My day usually starts with the same internal monologue.
I’m awake? I made it
through another night… Shit… Ok well time to get out of bed then. No? Maybe
just 5 more minutes, and I will build up to it.
Right it’s been 20
mins time to get up. I am going to kick the sheets off in 3…. 2…. 1….. ….. Is
it really worth it?
When the answer is yes, (either because I have an
appointment or something to get out of bed for) I will kick off the sheets and
shove myself up.
But when the answer is no, I will just roll over and lie
there until I get bored enough to move or get told that staying in bed probably
isn’t the best idea.
You see for me, and many others with similar experiences, I
don’t want to stay in bed because I could really use a lie in, or I’ve been
working too hard, and it isn’t that I’m lazy. I just cannot see the point in
moving. That hope, or drive to achieve is gone. Eaten away by fear and by
sadness. Which then perpetuates into shame, which makes me more sad and afraid
that I won’t change, and so the cycle continues. So finding the motivation to
make a decision, then the energy to follow through with it. Well it is like
trying to walk through tar.
Decision making and Depression do not like each other, in
fact I see them as two magnets with the same charge, the just repel each other.
Then when you add anxiety to the mix things can get really interesting.
Its anxiety that, for me at least, questions my every move.
And when every single possibility is laid bare you only seem to notice the
things that could go wrong. I have the uncanny ability to see my own flaws and
use them to sabotage myself. I get really bad cases of the “what ifs” and the
“shoulds”.
As in: What if you see someone when you are at the shops
that you know? What are they going to think?
Or
You should be able to handle this better, look at your
friends, they are still getting on with their lives.
Those thoughts can be very distracting when all you want to
do is go grocery shopping. And coupled with a constant niggle in the back of
your mind that you are not ok, and things are never going to be “normal” for
you, can be enough to keep you from just getting out of bed.
Depression and anxiety are things that are easily seen by
others. Often those with symptoms are too afraid to speak up or let someone
know that “hey, I’m not travelling so well at the moment”. Or they think that
they should be strong enough to deal with it on their own. That asking for help
will make them seem weak. Sometimes it is even the case that they don’t realise
how bad things get until something happens.
But it should not be something that people feel they have to
hide.
Do we ask people with cancer to hide their disease? Mental
illness is a disease like any other. There is nothing taboo, or wrong about it.
It just is.
I read recently a piece on the death of a celebrity. In this
piece it was putting forth the idea that this person did not die of suicide,
but rather of depression. It went on to explain that when someone who had
cancer passes, we generally say “they died of cancer” when technically it could
have been a seizure, stroke, pneumonia or a
plethora of other things. But when someone commits suicide, it is left at that.
Suicide is the fatal symptom of depression. It is not necessarily a choice, but
rather a lack of other viable (or foreseeable) options. The idea that suicide
is a choice implies that the person doesn’t respect life, that others who are
fighting to live don’t have that choice where this person does. No one choses
to suffer from depression, and as someone who does, I would not wish it upon
anyone. But I also know that as someone with depression, I do fight. I fight
everyday just to make it to the next.
So I guess the big question is, how can you help? As a
family member, a friend, a co-worker or even just a stranger on the street. The
biggest thing to remember is that asking the question is not a bad thing. Are
you OK? Do you want to have a chat? But in the same token, try not to be
offended if they say no. Sometimes you don’t want or need to talk right at that
moment, but keep the offer open, have patience. Frustration is natural when
trying to engage someone who is not particularly open, but try not to feel
guilty for it. And remember that if you are feeling frustration, it is more
than likely that they are feel the same. Other tips I would give are to keep it
casual, the person doesn’t need to feel like they are in a therapy session, and
they most likely have workers or psychologists already for that. Treat them as
you would with any other person, they don’t always need kid gloves. Try not to
place blame, mental health doesn’t have a bias, sometimes it just happens. The
last thing I will say, and probably, in my eyes at least is the most important
thing to remember, validate them. Remind them that what they are feeling is
real, and it is OK to feel that way.
Life is a balancing act. For everyone. Some of us struggle
more than others to keep that delicate balance intact. The fight is real. That
fight to keep your own mind from telling you dangerous truths and misconceived
lies. That fight against yourself, just to stay alive. Never negate another
person’s feelings. But also never negate your own. Self-care is key to being
able to help someone else. Recovery is a long journey, and sometimes your friend,
family member, or co-worker might take a step backwards. But with your support,
friendship, or love, moving forward with life becomes easier and easier. Don’t
give up, and remind them to do the same.
As for some people, there
are times when I need a little extra support. I have the support of my case
manager and also other various workers, family and friends. But there are times
when I feel that, if I let things go they would escalate and I would possibly
end up in hospital. Hospital is for me is not a place that I find particularly
helpful. In fact it often leads to heightened anxiety. So for me, YPARC is a
place where I feel that I can have that extra support, without having to go on
to the ward. The times that I have stayed I am often working on bringing my
stress and anxiety levels down as well as building on the strategies that I
have previously developed. YPARC is an amazing facility that has, and will
continue to play a key part in my recovery. I am thankful to the amazing staff
for their ongoing support, but also for creating an atmosphere in which I feel
safe, but at the same time, feel I am able to seek their help and advice when
things are getting tough. Having a facility such as YPARC is invaluable and
without which, I doubt that I would have made it this far in my recovery.
Monday, August 25, 2014
More Poetry
Can you give me all I seek?
For it's in your soul I know you keep
A truth you know should not be feared
Yet all the same it keeps you here
In a place your loathe to love
A havoc you cannot rise above
Bringing only anguish inside
A heart that's made for nothing aside
Aside from a love and hope that's true
A brightness that is truly you
Inside yourself I know you'll see
Conviction and an enduring belief
It may take days or weeks or years
But you must see past what appears
For when it seems you will but drown
Look inside, there your truth will be found.
You try and hide, but these words I see
Are screaming through your eyes at me
Beyond the sounds I hear from you
I find a fate more deeply true
It tells a tale you can't deny
No matter how you mask, or try
A story of such toil and pain
So that now only a ruin remains
The truth behind the hurt is raw
But somehow, you long to give yet more
To find a way to make this stop
To topple the endless spinning top
Until there is none left to find
And the emptiness can render you blind
Because only then will you feel free
From that past that broke your creed
Thursday, February 27, 2014
New Poems
Poem I
When all I can do
is sit back and breathe
It takes more than hope
for me to believe
The light that should shine
Lighting my path
Is long but lost
giving way to the dark
I've long given up
searching for faith
The will to continue
it seems I've misplaced
When the dawn comes
and I'm left with the weight
all that's to do
is find my escape
Poem II
If I close my eyes
the world will slip away
and I will be able
to live another day
If I close my eyes
Things cease to exist
and I might just
be able to persist
If I close my eyes
it becomes but a dream
but they're open to reality
and its worse than it seems
Because if I close my eyes
The monsters will come
and if I let that happen
then I really am done
When all I can do
is sit back and breathe
It takes more than hope
for me to believe
The light that should shine
Lighting my path
Is long but lost
giving way to the dark
I've long given up
searching for faith
The will to continue
it seems I've misplaced
When the dawn comes
and I'm left with the weight
all that's to do
is find my escape
Poem II
If I close my eyes
the world will slip away
and I will be able
to live another day
If I close my eyes
Things cease to exist
and I might just
be able to persist
If I close my eyes
it becomes but a dream
but they're open to reality
and its worse than it seems
Because if I close my eyes
The monsters will come
and if I let that happen
then I really am done
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Dreams
So you,
like so many others have asked me the question that, like so many
others, I have failed to answer. What do I want? It is a harder
question to answer than it seems. For the simple fact that I have
developed a belief system that doesn't allow room for the possibility
that I might have a future that I would like.
But I do
remember a time when I did have dreams of what my future would hold.
And I remember clear as day what those dreams were, even though they
have no room in my world right now. None of them were elaborate, but
they seemed plausible and most of all, they were mine.
I saw my
self getting through high school with a best friend to confide in and
keep secrets with, going to parties, meeting boys, dating and
enjoying it all. Completing VCE with marks that would allow me to get
into the university of my choice. I could see struggling through Uni
but meeting amazing people, and choosing to major in something
completely useless just because I didn't know what else to do. I could
see traveling and volunteering while traveling. Falling in love with
the places and people I found overseas.
I could
see coming home from my travels and feeling a little older and wiser
but still looking forward to what the world would throw at me next. I
would continue to volunteer but keep a job as well. A job that have
the opportunities to grow and succeed. Eventually I would find
someone who made me feel complete. My other half, and we would settle
down. Live together for a few years until he finally plucks up the
courage to ask me to marry him.
I never wanted a big wedding. Just family and close friends, in bush or country church. I knew what dress, what flowers, what colours I wanted. I even had all the music picked out (still a play list on My computer). With room for my husband to be to have his input as well if that was what he wanted.
I never wanted a big wedding. Just family and close friends, in bush or country church. I knew what dress, what flowers, what colours I wanted. I even had all the music picked out (still a play list on My computer). With room for my husband to be to have his input as well if that was what he wanted.
Our
honeymoon would be an island holiday and a dream. But it wouldn't be
long until we would be expecting our first child. With 3 more to
come. My biggest dream was that I would become a mother. I would name
my first child for my mother. Laura is my mothers favourite girls
name. My husband would have to help me with any sons names. I could
never find one that I fell in love with. Life after that would go as
smoothly as anyone else's. All the usual ups and downs.
I didn't
have any stead fast plans after that. I was sure it would all come
with time. But now... Now I feel as though I have lost all chance at
that future. I cant see any of it anymore. And the worst part? I'm only 22.
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