Depression and Anxiety

 What is the worst thing you could possibly imagine happening to yourself?

 Becoming seriously ill with cancer or any other physical disease?

Dying?

How about losing control? Feeling as though nothing you are going to do will make a difference in how you feel or think? Becoming so overwhelmed in emotions that you can’t even name, and forgetting every logical thing you know to be true?

For many people, me included, this is a reality. A reality where you can easily get lost inside your own mind. A reality where you cannot tell the difference between awake and sleep at times. Where hope is a foreign concept and the smallest of actions can feel like climbing Everest.

My day usually starts with the same internal monologue.

I’m awake? I made it through another night… Shit… Ok well time to get out of bed then. No? Maybe just 5 more minutes, and I will build up to it.

Right it’s been 20 mins time to get up. I am going to kick the sheets off in 3…. 2…. 1….. ….. Is it really worth it?

When the answer is yes, (either because I have an appointment or something to get out of bed for) I will kick off the sheets and shove myself up.

But when the answer is no, I will just roll over and lie there until I get bored enough to move or get told that staying in bed probably isn’t the best idea.

You see for me, and many others with similar experiences, I don’t want to stay in bed because I could really use a lie in, or I’ve been working too hard, and it isn’t that I’m lazy. I just cannot see the point in moving. That hope, or drive to achieve is gone. Eaten away by fear and by sadness. Which then perpetuates into shame, which makes me more sad and afraid that I won’t change, and so the cycle continues. So finding the motivation to make a decision, then the energy to follow through with it. Well it is like trying to walk through tar.

Decision making and Depression do not like each other, in fact I see them as two magnets with the same charge, the just repel each other. Then when you add anxiety to the mix things can get really interesting.

Its anxiety that, for me at least, questions my every move. And when every single possibility is laid bare you only seem to notice the things that could go wrong. I have the uncanny ability to see my own flaws and use them to sabotage myself. I get really bad cases of the “what ifs” and the “shoulds”.

As in: What if you see someone when you are at the shops that you know? What are they going to think?

Or

You should be able to handle this better, look at your friends, they are still getting on with their lives.

Those thoughts can be very distracting when all you want to do is go grocery shopping. And coupled with a constant niggle in the back of your mind that you are not ok, and things are never going to be “normal” for you, can be enough to keep you from just getting out of bed.

Depression and anxiety are things that are easily seen by others. Often those with symptoms are too afraid to speak up or let someone know that “hey, I’m not travelling so well at the moment”. Or they think that they should be strong enough to deal with it on their own. That asking for help will make them seem weak. Sometimes it is even the case that they don’t realise how bad things get until something happens.

But it should not be something that people feel they have to hide.

Do we ask people with cancer to hide their disease? Mental illness is a disease like any other. There is nothing taboo, or wrong about it. It just is.

I read recently a piece on the death of a celebrity. In this piece it was putting forth the idea that this person did not die of suicide, but rather of depression. It went on to explain that when someone who had cancer passes, we generally say “they died of cancer” when technically it could have been a seizure, stroke, pneumonia or a plethora of other things. But when someone commits suicide, it is left at that. Suicide is the fatal symptom of depression. It is not necessarily a choice, but rather a lack of other viable (or foreseeable) options. The idea that suicide is a choice implies that the person doesn’t respect life, that others who are fighting to live don’t have that choice where this person does. No one choses to suffer from depression, and as someone who does, I would not wish it upon anyone. But I also know that as someone with depression, I do fight. I fight everyday just to make it to the next.

So I guess the big question is, how can you help? As a family member, a friend, a co-worker or even just a stranger on the street. The biggest thing to remember is that asking the question is not a bad thing. Are you OK? Do you want to have a chat? But in the same token, try not to be offended if they say no. Sometimes you don’t want or need to talk right at that moment, but keep the offer open, have patience. Frustration is natural when trying to engage someone who is not particularly open, but try not to feel guilty for it. And remember that if you are feeling frustration, it is more than likely that they are feel the same. Other tips I would give are to keep it casual, the person doesn’t need to feel like they are in a therapy session, and they most likely have workers or psychologists already for that. Treat them as you would with any other person, they don’t always need kid gloves. Try not to place blame, mental health doesn’t have a bias, sometimes it just happens. The last thing I will say, and probably, in my eyes at least is the most important thing to remember, validate them. Remind them that what they are feeling is real, and it is OK to feel that way.

Life is a balancing act. For everyone. Some of us struggle more than others to keep that delicate balance intact. The fight is real. That fight to keep your own mind from telling you dangerous truths and misconceived lies. That fight against yourself, just to stay alive. Never negate another person’s feelings. But also never negate your own. Self-care is key to being able to help someone else. Recovery is a long journey, and sometimes your friend, family member, or co-worker might take a step backwards. But with your support, friendship, or love, moving forward with life becomes easier and easier. Don’t give up, and remind them to do the same.

As for some people, there are times when I need a little extra support. I have the support of my case manager and also other various workers, family and friends. But there are times when I feel that, if I let things go they would escalate and I would possibly end up in hospital. Hospital is for me is not a place that I find particularly helpful. In fact it often leads to heightened anxiety. So for me, YPARC is a place where I feel that I can have that extra support, without having to go on to the ward. The times that I have stayed I am often working on bringing my stress and anxiety levels down as well as building on the strategies that I have previously developed. YPARC is an amazing facility that has, and will continue to play a key part in my recovery. I am thankful to the amazing staff for their ongoing support, but also for creating an atmosphere in which I feel safe, but at the same time, feel I am able to seek their help and advice when things are getting tough. Having a facility such as YPARC is invaluable and without which, I doubt that I would have made it this far in my recovery.