Dreams

So you, like so many others have asked me the question that, like so many others, I have failed to answer. What do I want? It is a harder question to answer than it seems. For the simple fact that I have developed a belief system that doesn't allow room for the possibility that I might have a future that I would like.

But I do remember a time when I did have dreams of what my future would hold. And I remember clear as day what those dreams were, even though they have no room in my world right now. None of them were elaborate, but they seemed plausible and most of all, they were mine.

I saw my self getting through high school with a best friend to confide in and keep secrets with, going to parties, meeting boys, dating and enjoying it all. Completing VCE with marks that would allow me to get into the university of my choice. I could see struggling through Uni but meeting amazing people, and choosing to major in something completely useless just because I didn't know what else to do. I could see traveling and volunteering while traveling. Falling in love with the places and people I found overseas.

I could see coming home from my travels and feeling a little older and wiser but still looking forward to what the world would throw at me next. I would continue to volunteer but keep a job as well. A job that have the opportunities to grow and succeed. Eventually I would find someone who made me feel complete. My other half, and we would settle down. Live together for a few years until he finally plucks up the courage to ask me to marry him.
I never wanted a big wedding. Just family and close friends, in bush or country church. I knew what dress, what flowers, what colours I wanted. I even had all the music picked out (still a play list on My computer). With room for my husband to be to have his input as well if that was what he wanted.

Our honeymoon would be an island holiday and a dream. But it wouldn't be long until we would be expecting our first child. With 3 more to come. My biggest dream was that I would become a mother. I would name my first child for my mother. Laura is my mothers favourite girls name. My husband would have to help me with any sons names. I could never find one that I fell in love with. Life after that would go as smoothly as anyone else's. All the usual ups and downs.

I didn't have any stead fast plans after that. I was sure it would all come with time. But now... Now I feel as though I have lost all chance at that future. I cant see any of it anymore. And the worst part? I'm only 22.