Poems - Untitled

Look at my hands
what a story they tell
How time has weathered
and aged  them well

And look at my wrists
a road map to life
With lines and scars
that are told by a knife

A look to my mind
now that can scare
Too see all the truths
and hurts laid bare

Mow look in my eyes
tell what you see
Am I more, or am I less
than you thought me to be?

~    ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~      ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~   

You turn to me
and in your eyes
I find a fate
I cant deny

the look you give
means more than words
but all I feel
is moving backwards

my heart says one thing
my head says another
but I am far too
scared to discover

THANK YOU

Thank you for your views!

I have been back and forth doing a few bits and pieces and then all of a sudden... 75!! For me that is amazing! Because here I was thinking that no one reads what I write!
I would love I real idea of what you all think so feel free to leave a comment, or send me a message or even follow me! I will write more as it is cathartic!

Also you may notice the picture on my post Love. Just if you are wondering, I took it!! I have gotten into photography now that I got a new camera, so I will update you with some more right....

...

NOW!

love

What is love?
Love is waking each morning to discover them all over again
Love is reveling in a simple kiss
Love is seeing the world in their eyes
Love is not perfect, you have to work hard to maintain it.
Love is a two way street, sometimes you have to give way for obstacles 
Love is wondering
Love is ever evolving 

Life again

I have this... thing. No well lets be honest here. I have a Mental disorder, I know many people out there do, and it is common but I want you to know how it affects us. Me in particular.

What I have has been diagnosed as Distinctly Disorder as well as Aviodent personality Disorder (AvPD). Disthlymic Disorder is in the Depression spectrum. I find it best explained as starting lower then depression and not getting the up but crashing lower. Not particularly fun at all. So when I get down.... it kind of hangs around for a while and I struggle to kick it.

But I have to say that the worst part, well no, the part I struggle with the most is the AvPD. It sounds pretty self explaining, I have a bad pattern of avoiding situation I struggle to cope with. But it is also a form of social phobia in my case. I struggle to communicate with just about anyone, and I shut down, sometimes completely. Thus the avoiding. But by doing this I bottle everything up. From my emotions to my energy. At times I become a ticking time bomb. I constantly over analyse and over think EVERYTHING! From the way the wind goes through the trees to what a complete stranger might think of me.

But why you may ask am I telling you this? Because I need to let some of it out. I just out of hospital.

Wow this is harder to write than I thought it would be.

I was in because I took and overdose of a mixture of medications I had in the cabinet. I didn’t do it because I wanted to die, I just couldn’t see another way out. The ticking bomb? Well I guess you could say that it went off. I don’t remember much after I got into the bath with a razor blade. I remember the release I felt when I cut. And I remember my fiance coming in and seeing me. I called my mum after he walked out of the room. I told her I had taken medications. And then I remember my fiance pushing me into the car and whisking me up to the local hospital. They put me into the High Dependency Unit over night. I think I slept for an hour. It was like my own personal hell. No way to communicate, no way to let my feelings out and absolutely no way to escape the torment that was going on inside my own head. Why had I done it? Why didn’t I think of those who love me? Am I really that selfish? I had just added to my scars. Countless others that had built up over the years. The next afternoon I was transferred to one of the two mental heath rooms in our small country hospital. And there I stayed for the next 6 days. I made very little to no progress for the first 4 days. The first night in the mental health unit, I crashed out again. Trying to self harm in the only ways I could find. I ended up with bruises and scratch marks on my forehead, and a shocking head ache! Night 2 was more of the same. But I ended up with a black eye. I didn’t want to see any one, or be touched. I was sitting in the middle of the bed rocking back and forth trying to calm my self. The third night I got into the patient kitchen and poured boiling water on my hand. And just too make it so much better I did it again the next night. Burn on top of burn. Lets just say the typing right now is not particularly fun. I slept that night on the couch in my room with my hand in a bowl of ice water. It blistered anyway. Then they started blackmailing me. I was “traumatising” the nurses apparently, and if I did not stop they would make the leave the hospital. I guess that was enough convincing, I didn’t self harm again. The next two days I sat feeling utterly numb. I blocked out everyone and everything. I guess I fooled them because on day 7, yesterday, they send me home.

And here I am. Blurting it all out too cyber space. Because the mental health nurse thinks that it would be a good idea to have an outlet. But hey, life throws you lemons, right?

I still struggle to communicate with those closest to me. I worry that if they really see me, and see what I truly am, they will run for the hills. I don’t think I could stand loosing anyone right now. I love them all. I am so lucky to have them and I wouldn’t change them for the world! I am really one lucky lady.

So I'm not making any promises, I don’t know what the future holds for me. but I will say that I hope to achieve my goals. But if there is anyone who is reading this that is going through the same type of thing... Find solace in the fact that you are not alone and there are people out there who care about you and want to help you. Even if it is that one crazy lady who writes a blog every now and again.

My email inbox is always open

Moral ambiguity

It seems that I have been deluding my self in believing that I am all ok... According to 2 different Doctors I am depressed... AGAIN!
This makes sense now that I try and look at the situation objectively. I am currently constantly at risk of breaking down into tears, if the wrong subject is broached. Its not as if I want to. But it just is. There fore, the depression diagnosis. But its ok, Im sure that with all the support I have around me at the moment that I can get through this rough patch. It just seems at the moment that a lot of little things can get on my nerves.

Sometimes I nothing more than too shout out to the world "HERE I AM!! Notice me! Acknowledge me! please..." Its not as if I am someone outstanding, but doesn't everyone want to be seen every now and then.
I mean, I have quirks, and idiosyncrasies. Like the fact that I only paint the nails on left hand, because when I do my right... it looks like shit. But really Im average.
I hate being average. I would much rather be at an extreme then be average. Well maybe not an extreme but perhaps just a little more than what I can currently claim to be.
And again this comes back to the whole... NOTICE ME thing. I guess this is part of my reason for doing this blog. Also because I have been told on many occaisions by many professionals that writing can help depression. I think that this form, achieves not only my need to write and get all the crap out of my system, but may also feed my need to be noticed and acknowledged.... just maybe....
But I have decided that feedback might be nice.

So if you will.... Email me your thoughts my dedicated (or not so) readers. The address is      superstar_444@hotmail.com

For now I will go back to watching "United States of Tara" and trawling Facebook...

love and light

Kait

Life got in my way

I'm back!

I know I said that i would write sooner but life got in my way again. You know how it gets sometimes. But as you may have realized by now, my luck ain't the best. Now I know that everyone has bad stints in their life, and right now mine really isn't all that bad. I'm not desperately unhappy. I have met the love of my life. And I am generally in a good place. And you have guessed it. There is a big fat "but" coming, and no it isn't mine :P

So suspense over, I was in hospital again... Gah! I know! story of my life at the moment! This time it was sort of self inflicted. I should probably tell you the whole story.

I used to play basketball every weekend, and I stopped because our team fell apart and I got into that teenage place where it wasn't the "cool" thing to do anymore. But a few weeks ago I had the bright idea that I should start playing again. MOL (mother in law) and I looked into it and found out that some of the other ladies in her office played on a weekly basis. So I got the forms and decided that, yep! This was for me! So last Wednesday, I had my first game! We played well, but the other team played hard, and lacking a second referee, we lost. Lets just say, if we had a second ref, the entire other team would have been benched. But that's not the point I am trying to get too. I also played hard, I was always taught, "Play hard, or go home" so I went for it. But... I'm asthmatic... so Oops... By the time I got home and had a shower, I was literally wheezing. Hoping it would subside, I let it go for 30 mins, but when MOL came to check on me, I was stuck in bed and every time I moved I broke into a coughing fit. We made the decision then to take me up to the hospital. They put me on Ventolin through a nebuliser (aerated) and sent me home. By 2am I had my fiancee take me back up because I was wheezing again. They said my chest was clear and that it would probably settle after more Ventolin. So they gave me more and sent me home again.

I think I got home and passed out. I was exhausted. But the next day I just was not right, and I knew that something more was wrong when I couldn't even walk around the shops without loosing my breathe. So off the doctors I went. He was also unimpressed and sent me back to hospital to be admitted. I was there for two days, and too tell the truth, I don't believe that I am any better. I'm not wheezing, and my chest is clear. But I still can bearly get around the house without loosing my breath.... but my doctor was in the city so I will have to wait until Monday to talk to him about it.

But I will live to another day!

Love and Light... Kait

YAY! good work readers! You keep me writing! I will do a proper post tomorrow after my first shift of my new job.