New Poems

Poem I

When all I can do
is sit back and breathe
It takes more than hope
for me to believe

The light that should shine
Lighting my path
Is long but lost
giving way to the dark

I've long given up
searching for faith
The will to continue
it seems I've misplaced

When the dawn comes
and I'm left with the weight
all that's to do
is find my escape


Poem II

If I close my eyes
the world will slip away
and I will be able
to live another day

If I close my eyes
Things cease to exist
and I might just
be able to persist

If I close my eyes
it becomes but a dream
but they're open to reality
and its worse than it seems

Because if I close my eyes
The monsters will come
and if I let that happen
then I really am done

Dreams

So you, like so many others have asked me the question that, like so many others, I have failed to answer. What do I want? It is a harder question to answer than it seems. For the simple fact that I have developed a belief system that doesn't allow room for the possibility that I might have a future that I would like.

But I do remember a time when I did have dreams of what my future would hold. And I remember clear as day what those dreams were, even though they have no room in my world right now. None of them were elaborate, but they seemed plausible and most of all, they were mine.

I saw my self getting through high school with a best friend to confide in and keep secrets with, going to parties, meeting boys, dating and enjoying it all. Completing VCE with marks that would allow me to get into the university of my choice. I could see struggling through Uni but meeting amazing people, and choosing to major in something completely useless just because I didn't know what else to do. I could see traveling and volunteering while traveling. Falling in love with the places and people I found overseas.

I could see coming home from my travels and feeling a little older and wiser but still looking forward to what the world would throw at me next. I would continue to volunteer but keep a job as well. A job that have the opportunities to grow and succeed. Eventually I would find someone who made me feel complete. My other half, and we would settle down. Live together for a few years until he finally plucks up the courage to ask me to marry him.
I never wanted a big wedding. Just family and close friends, in bush or country church. I knew what dress, what flowers, what colours I wanted. I even had all the music picked out (still a play list on My computer). With room for my husband to be to have his input as well if that was what he wanted.

Our honeymoon would be an island holiday and a dream. But it wouldn't be long until we would be expecting our first child. With 3 more to come. My biggest dream was that I would become a mother. I would name my first child for my mother. Laura is my mothers favourite girls name. My husband would have to help me with any sons names. I could never find one that I fell in love with. Life after that would go as smoothly as anyone else's. All the usual ups and downs.

I didn't have any stead fast plans after that. I was sure it would all come with time. But now... Now I feel as though I have lost all chance at that future. I cant see any of it anymore. And the worst part? I'm only 22.

Near Miss

I have been, in some eyes, very lucky this past week. I survived, first a car accident that my car, unfortunately didn't not survive. I then managed to survived my self. God himself only knows how. But to be honest I don't remember most of it. So I only have the words of others to trust, and trust is not something I am known to give easily. Even to family.
First you should know that what I am about to retell may be hard to read, let alone for me to write. I have been going to write about this all week, just to get it out of my system. But it is hard. You should also know that if you are experiencing anything like this, I urge you to get some help. I have been seeing professionals for the majority of my life, and it is worth getting help. I also have a formal diagnosis, so please do not go diagnosing your self by my words.
If you have read my older posts you will find that my past diagnosis include forms of personality disorders. Well my most recent diagnosis is that of another Personality disorder. This time the doctors have decided it is Borderline Personality Disorder. Which makes sense, but so do many things when you look at them objectively.
Anyway back to my original story. Monday evening, after a rather distressing day, in which I had to fork out money for towing of my car which I didn't not want. This happened because, according to the police, I ran off in the ambulance. And then a trip to the police station to present my licence as I had been asked to, I was told that no one had done this since 1981. Another officer told me that I would most likely lose my license.
So, as it would seem I had become quite upset by the whole situation. But I was proudly keeping my head. I was going to spend the night at my parents house, where my brother also lives, and my niece. I was trying my hardest just to understand what was happening in my life and I negected to speak to my mother as with the respect I should. My brother pulled me up on it and as I was already on edge I tried walking away as to not get too emotional. Him grabbing my shirt was the last thing I remember.
The next thing I know I was waking up in the intensive care unit. Three lines in my arms.
The worst part was, I was in bliss. A blissful nothing-ness. Where I had not a worry. But then to have that ripped from me, and to be returned to my own personal hell? It was all I could do to tell my mother to go home and get some sleep.
I was out of it for 2 days. The day I woke up, they sent me home. I have had to cope on my own for 2 nights. Now at my parents house again, I feel, well like it could all happen again. Its very early morning, and sleep will not come easily. As the doctors have taken me off my sleeping medication as that is what I overdosed on.
But I as i said, I am getting the help I need.

Love and Light

Poems - Untitled

Look at my hands
what a story they tell
How time has weathered
and aged  them well

And look at my wrists
a road map to life
With lines and scars
that are told by a knife

A look to my mind
now that can scare
Too see all the truths
and hurts laid bare

Mow look in my eyes
tell what you see
Am I more, or am I less
than you thought me to be?

~    ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~      ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~   

You turn to me
and in your eyes
I find a fate
I cant deny

the look you give
means more than words
but all I feel
is moving backwards

my heart says one thing
my head says another
but I am far too
scared to discover

THANK YOU

Thank you for your views!

I have been back and forth doing a few bits and pieces and then all of a sudden... 75!! For me that is amazing! Because here I was thinking that no one reads what I write!
I would love I real idea of what you all think so feel free to leave a comment, or send me a message or even follow me! I will write more as it is cathartic!

Also you may notice the picture on my post Love. Just if you are wondering, I took it!! I have gotten into photography now that I got a new camera, so I will update you with some more right....

...

NOW!

love

What is love?
Love is waking each morning to discover them all over again
Love is reveling in a simple kiss
Love is seeing the world in their eyes
Love is not perfect, you have to work hard to maintain it.
Love is a two way street, sometimes you have to give way for obstacles 
Love is wondering
Love is ever evolving 

Life again

I have this... thing. No well lets be honest here. I have a Mental disorder, I know many people out there do, and it is common but I want you to know how it affects us. Me in particular.

What I have has been diagnosed as Distinctly Disorder as well as Aviodent personality Disorder (AvPD). Disthlymic Disorder is in the Depression spectrum. I find it best explained as starting lower then depression and not getting the up but crashing lower. Not particularly fun at all. So when I get down.... it kind of hangs around for a while and I struggle to kick it.

But I have to say that the worst part, well no, the part I struggle with the most is the AvPD. It sounds pretty self explaining, I have a bad pattern of avoiding situation I struggle to cope with. But it is also a form of social phobia in my case. I struggle to communicate with just about anyone, and I shut down, sometimes completely. Thus the avoiding. But by doing this I bottle everything up. From my emotions to my energy. At times I become a ticking time bomb. I constantly over analyse and over think EVERYTHING! From the way the wind goes through the trees to what a complete stranger might think of me.

But why you may ask am I telling you this? Because I need to let some of it out. I just out of hospital.

Wow this is harder to write than I thought it would be.

I was in because I took and overdose of a mixture of medications I had in the cabinet. I didn’t do it because I wanted to die, I just couldn’t see another way out. The ticking bomb? Well I guess you could say that it went off. I don’t remember much after I got into the bath with a razor blade. I remember the release I felt when I cut. And I remember my fiance coming in and seeing me. I called my mum after he walked out of the room. I told her I had taken medications. And then I remember my fiance pushing me into the car and whisking me up to the local hospital. They put me into the High Dependency Unit over night. I think I slept for an hour. It was like my own personal hell. No way to communicate, no way to let my feelings out and absolutely no way to escape the torment that was going on inside my own head. Why had I done it? Why didn’t I think of those who love me? Am I really that selfish? I had just added to my scars. Countless others that had built up over the years. The next afternoon I was transferred to one of the two mental heath rooms in our small country hospital. And there I stayed for the next 6 days. I made very little to no progress for the first 4 days. The first night in the mental health unit, I crashed out again. Trying to self harm in the only ways I could find. I ended up with bruises and scratch marks on my forehead, and a shocking head ache! Night 2 was more of the same. But I ended up with a black eye. I didn’t want to see any one, or be touched. I was sitting in the middle of the bed rocking back and forth trying to calm my self. The third night I got into the patient kitchen and poured boiling water on my hand. And just too make it so much better I did it again the next night. Burn on top of burn. Lets just say the typing right now is not particularly fun. I slept that night on the couch in my room with my hand in a bowl of ice water. It blistered anyway. Then they started blackmailing me. I was “traumatising” the nurses apparently, and if I did not stop they would make the leave the hospital. I guess that was enough convincing, I didn’t self harm again. The next two days I sat feeling utterly numb. I blocked out everyone and everything. I guess I fooled them because on day 7, yesterday, they send me home.

And here I am. Blurting it all out too cyber space. Because the mental health nurse thinks that it would be a good idea to have an outlet. But hey, life throws you lemons, right?

I still struggle to communicate with those closest to me. I worry that if they really see me, and see what I truly am, they will run for the hills. I don’t think I could stand loosing anyone right now. I love them all. I am so lucky to have them and I wouldn’t change them for the world! I am really one lucky lady.

So I'm not making any promises, I don’t know what the future holds for me. but I will say that I hope to achieve my goals. But if there is anyone who is reading this that is going through the same type of thing... Find solace in the fact that you are not alone and there are people out there who care about you and want to help you. Even if it is that one crazy lady who writes a blog every now and again.

My email inbox is always open